Mike Barish Writer. Funny guy. Knower of things.

Chad never regretted giving Grandpa Max the broken life vest. The old man was overripe anyway.

No one told Sven that black pants would be slimming on a man with such a pronounced buttocks. Source: Widerøe Dash 8 400 Series Safety Card.

It was at that moment that Tucker regretted never having slept with a black woman. Source: Chautauqua Airlines Embraer 135/145 Safety Card.

Thankfully, everyone from the IKEA instruction manuals survived. Source: Icelandair B757-300 Safety Card.

Leaping out of a moving basket to pet an adorable dog is the second leading cause of hot air balloon deaths. Chronic diarrhea being the first. Source: Kapadokya Balloons.

Janice always had her best ideas at night. Source: Continental Airlines B737-800/900 Safety Card.

In the event of a water landing, please remain emo. Your parents will continue to not understand you. Source: V Australia 777-300 Safety Card.

Bobby nailed the dismount but the Russian judge was too preoccupied to notice. Source: Delta B757-200 Safety Card.

Bobby let Grace down as easily as he could. She was a sweet gal, but it was never supposed to be more than just sex. Source: JetBlue A320 Safety Card.

Gary’s underpants may be brown or greenish brown (he ate at Sbarro at the airport). Source: American Airlines S80 Safety Card.