Mike Barish Writer. Funny guy. Knower of things.

If you close your eyes while you talk to your new floating friends, it almost feels as if you’re in a glamorous jacuzzi. It helps if you fart a lot. Source: US Airways A320 Safety Card.

While you may worry that emergency crews won’t be able to find your invisible plane, rest assured that it’s opaque from the outside. Duh. Click here to see larger image. Source: Virgin America A320 Safety Card.

No one loves hot air ballooning more than the Amish. Click here to see larger image. Source: Outback Ballooning – Alice Springs, NT, Australia.

After a Monchhichi hijacked a flight and forced it to land in Cuba, other bug-eyed toys fell victim to racial profiling. Source: Qantas Boeing 747-400 Safety Instructions.

They called Jane a fool for filling Billy’s life vest with White Zinfandel. Who’s laughing now? Source: V Australia Boeing 777-300 Safety Instructions. Check out their sweet in-flight safety video here.

Peg always gets embarrassed when she has to pee in public. Source: Air Wisconsin Canadair CL-65 Safety Instructions.

Please help prevent the spread of swine flu by refraining from shaking hands with the propellers. Source: Air New Zealand Bombardier Q300 Safety Instructions. Check out their awesome in-flight safety video here.

RadioShack’s hopes of opening an in-flight showroom of their latest offerings were quickly dashed. Source: Northwest Airlines Boeing 757-200 Safety Instructions.

Mitch knew that the only way to keep Billy safe during the crash was to tuck him safely up his asshole. Source: Southwest Airlines Boeing 737 Safety Instructions. View past Crash & Learn posts.

Diane knew she couldn’t keep J.R. Ewing waiting. Source: American Airlines Boeing 767 Safety Instructions © 2009. Seriously? 2009? Wow. View past Crash & Learn posts.